Attention!

I have a confession. Since this will soon be leaked out to the press, I wanted to tell my loyal fans first. As you may or may not have already suspected, I have to admit that I am, and have been for awhile, an agent in the FIA (Fabric Intelligence Agency). In case you don’t know about the FIA, it is a covert agency, started in the 60s during the Cold War when the Communist regime in Russia threatened to make all fabric gray and only gray. Thanks to the efforts of this small and secret group, the war on fabric was won and color restored to fabrics throughout the world. The FIA is determined to protect fabric and never allow this threat to happen again.

More recently, a new threat arose from the Textile Mafia, a criminal faction that has been methodically stopping print production on the most popular fabric lines (think Heather Ross Lightning Bugs and Denyse Schmidt Flea Market Fancy). Fabric designers who stepped in to stop the mafia were shot (with textile inks, very messy and permanent) and manufacturers were threatened by ink wielding thugs who threatened to replace all colored ink with you guessed it, Cold War Gray. Although not general public knowledge, FIA agents throughout the world have been working to stop this new insurgence of evil.

And finally, you may have heard in the news that with the new regime change in Washington, the old regime is being investigated and the FIA has not escaped scrutiny. We are being investigated for fraud and extortion. Allegations include; bribing popular fabric designers to produce so many fabric lines per year that consumers are going broke, purchasing Munki Munki pajamas on the black market and reselling for exorbitant prices on eBay and the lowest blow of all, FIA agents have allegedly participated in the ‘fabric mortgage business’, taking cuts from the bank who has loaned money to fabric buyers who clearly cannot afford it, thus driving up the prices of fabric and creating a fabric bubble!!

Of course, these are only allegations. I cannot believe any of my fellow FIA agents would participate in any such crimes but we are also human. Overall, I am confident that justice will prevail and the FIA will be seen in a positive light once more.